Happy Endings

I woke up this morning with this overwhelming sense of disappointment. It hit me the moment the sun woke me up. It was weird. Usually I wake up and only think about wanting to go back to sleep. But today was different, today all I could think about was failure, lack of action and disappointment. The first two minutes of my day. No excitement. No joy. Just an odd sense of "You suck." I recognize how easy it is to believe your brain and the things it tells you, and let your whole day take on the tone that you had no power over and no part of. But somehow I was able to stop myself. Somehow I was able to really listen to myself and hear the things I was saying to myself. (Right about now, I sound like a nut job.) I was truly having a conversation with myself in my head. Almost like a conversation I would have with a friend. When I said "You've really screwed up a lot of things" and "There is so much that you slack on. So much that you should do but dont do." I honestly felt like I was being scolded. And I think it was that feeling that sparked a reaction in me. I would never expect a friend or anyone for that matter to say something like that to me, so why in the world would I say that to myself? And then it hit me! I've been working so hard lately at making it on my own, without my corporate job, trying my hand at self employment and there are tons of things I wish I would do differently but I have yet to reward or praise myself for the good things that I have done. I'm etching the to-do's in my brain and am focusing on those that remain untouched.

It would have been easy, and perfectly sane, to roll out of bed and get on with my day and not have a full blow argument in my head. But what I realized, in the midst of my argument was, how productive is this negativity really going to make me? Am I going to get up and spring to action because I feel bad. Nope. I'll probably mope around and make a list of all of the things that I haven't done and dwell on it even more. And what about all the things I have done? Where did those go? Why didn't those matter to this negative me, in my head? I then reminded myself that I have recently overcome what used to be one of my biggest flaws. I have mailed my last 5 orders within 24 hours of purchase, some even the same day. I can mail things in a timely manner!!! Woohoo! That's huge for me. That was all the justification I needed to remind myself that I was awesome. And those little things on the list, sure they mattered, but there was no harm done and ultimately meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Once again, I am right where I need to be.

And then, within the hour, our stuff is delivered! Fresh off the boat after the trip across the Pacific Ocean. Everything feels so complete now. My desk. My mannequin. My clothes, shoes, beauty goodies, books, photos, blankets. And my bed. For the first time in almost exactly a month I will sleep in a real bed. Bye bye air mattress. Good night.