So believe it or not, but I did actually compose a blog post 3 days after I got here...I just never posted it. Oops!
I'm beyond settled here now, I'm to the point where I don't want to leave. The first couple days were filled with excitement provided by the hustle and bustle of it all. I was in such quiet seclusion for so long that I actually got excited when I drove down a 4 lane crowded freeway.
I've now been here officially two weeks, the exact same amount of time that I was at the Yoga community. But time here flies by faster than any other place I've ever been. I'm still working, managing that load along with a sun soaking social life as well. I've made it to the beach several times...several different beaches as well. I've learned the importance of completely covering every inch of your body with sunscreen. I've ended up with the weirdest sun burns in the most random places. Friday I discovered the sore red area at the crease of my armpits. Sunday it was a 3" long strip under my right boob. Not cool.
So far the highlight has been sky diving. For some odd reason, five minutes after meeting a stranger I agreed to skydive with him. Then I woke up the next morning thinking "What the hell did I agree to? Maybe he will forget." He didn't forget. And I did it. Totally hyperventilated during the free fall, but wouldn't take it back for anything. My tandem had us floating in the air for a significant amount of time. While everyone else had touched ground we were still suspended in the air, slowly spinning around taking in the view. I couldn't have picked a better place to skydive than Hawaii. Lush green landscape, endless aqua ocean, and the best part, a rainbow at eye level.
Other highlights:
- Touristy trolley ride around Waikiki
- Real life hookers identifiable by their clear heels. It's a good thing that's an unspoken rule in the industry because I saw several girls who's club attire qualified them.
- Giant 300lb turtles napping on the beach
- Drinks at Turtle Bay where 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' was filled. Going to the bathroom and discovering a baby lizard clinging to my shirt.
- $14 plate of garlic shrimp served on a paper plate out of a taco truck
- Friday night fireworks. Every Friday. No reason at all. Just because fireworks are amazing and they make people like me happy.
- Giant Mall! Went into BCBG and tried on designer dresses that ranged in price from my electricity bill to my car payment. There’s something exciting about trying on dresses you know you cannot afford. Like my own version of Pretty Woman, minus the prostitution of course.
- Seriously talented strippers. One stripper humbly replied to a compliment by saying "It's not that hard, it's just like monkey bars"... I never learned those kind of moves on the playground.
- China Walls. A local spot to jump off a wall into the middle of the ocean. Caught a video of a dude surfing. A side angle like I was sitting next to him, not in front of him, while he was riding a wave. Watch...
I really am having a hard time thinking about leaving, for many reasons. And I'm having a hard time ignoring how everything has played out so well for me. Trying to be in the moment, don't force/don't fight. That door I opened inviting change in hasn't closed yet. I'm slightly afraid to vocalize that the invite still stands, but I feel like I can handle what ever it is that the universe presents in front of me right now. And the only reason I feel like I'm ready for more change, is because each loss thus far has paradoxically presented a gain. Bring it on.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
What I've learned
So I've arrived in Honolulu. I have three hours before my ride, my new roommate, can pick me up. I retrieved my luggage then went to the first bench I could find in the sun. I unknowingly stumbled into the smokers area. So I played a fun game. Whipped out my handy dandy note pad and began to take notes on the cast of "Smokers Circle" Enjoy the show:
-Is she pregnant or is that just a really big gut?
-That's a lot of look all at once. 1/2 top with your belly button ring shining, white washed Capri's, paisley 1970's button up top, Super Mario Brothers stuffed animal backpack
-You're emo. There's nothing interesting about your skinny jeans, white tee, black vans and long hair that only moves by the flicking of your head to the right.
-Whoa! What happened to you? Too skinny to be a UFC fighter, but holy shit. Someone rocked your world. 2 black eyes, 1 completely swollen shut.
-Limo Driver. Freshly shaven,sharply dressed
-He really shouldn't be smoking. He sounds like he's about to cough up a lung. And every time he coughs he has to stop walking to pause and recompose himself, all 120lbs of him.
-Guuurrlll....
-Dude you're too normal. Too boy next door. Mr. Blond hair & blue eyes
-BEER! His shirt says BEER! haha
-Jennifer. As it reads on her name tag. But she's not smoking. Just chillin. Then she asks me for $3 for the bus. So I bargain with her. I'll give you $3 if you help me wheel my 52.5 lb bag down to the taxi line.
Now I'm sitting in a Starbucks, enjoying my all time favorite soy chai listening to the perfect playlist from my personal dubbed Genre "Starbucks Music"
I learned a lot during my two week stay. Some stuff I already knew, just reemphasized. Other stuff that is brand new.
-I'm not a spiritual person. This I already knew. I can respect faith and faithful followers but I am not one to embrace it whole heartedly.
-I am capable of living in a tent for two weeks.
-I'd rather go without a shower than take a cold shower.
-I hate gardening. Too impatient. So much labor so little results.
-I hate mosquitoes. And dousing my skin with lotions and oils keeps them at bay for a short period of time.
-I really am not meant to live in a community household. One, two roomies, cool. 7 are too many.
-I can go two weeks without makeup.
-Underwear is completely unnecessary and over rated
-I really love pedicures and am seriously bothered by the sight of dirty unkept toes.
-Headlamps are genius and beat the flashlight any day.
-Vegetarian living is actually pretty easy, and feels really good.
-I love honey. On everything! In my tea, on yogurt, on crackers
-I have amazing friends and family
-I'll never be a hippie, nor will I date one.
-No matter how patient I become, some people will forever be annoying.
-Fun trumps learning, in my book
-I am just as independent and controlling as I thought I was. I'm seriously uncomfortable relying on other people for things.
-I need options. Having the options makes everything ok. Being without causes me to go stir crazy.
-I get bored easily and don't entertain myself well.
-I don't think I could live without a car for an extended period of time
-Eccentric pots can call eccentric kettles black
-Shaving is a beautiful thing
-I can swim if I calm my mind and dont freak out. The ocean scares the crap out of me.
-If someone offers you fruit take it. Even if you've never heard of it. The fruit world is endless.
-Simple living is harder than extravagant living.
-Meditation is sometimes needed. But twice a day before a meal is my personal torture. I can't concentrate when I want a burrito.
-Pulling weeds is senseless. You want me to pull weeds in this 2'x3' patch of grass while there are 19.5 acres around us with grass 7' tall?
-Frogs are some noisy fuckers and ear plugs really hurt to sleep in.
-It is possible to wash your hair once in a 14 day window and not be nasty and gross.
-Some people really do believe they know everything.
-I will always be a city girl.Country, forest, jungle, mountains just wont ever capture my heart.
-Is she pregnant or is that just a really big gut?
-That's a lot of look all at once. 1/2 top with your belly button ring shining, white washed Capri's, paisley 1970's button up top, Super Mario Brothers stuffed animal backpack
-You're emo. There's nothing interesting about your skinny jeans, white tee, black vans and long hair that only moves by the flicking of your head to the right.
-Whoa! What happened to you? Too skinny to be a UFC fighter, but holy shit. Someone rocked your world. 2 black eyes, 1 completely swollen shut.
-Limo Driver. Freshly shaven,sharply dressed
-He really shouldn't be smoking. He sounds like he's about to cough up a lung. And every time he coughs he has to stop walking to pause and recompose himself, all 120lbs of him.
-Guuurrlll....
-Dude you're too normal. Too boy next door. Mr. Blond hair & blue eyes
-BEER! His shirt says BEER! haha
-Jennifer. As it reads on her name tag. But she's not smoking. Just chillin. Then she asks me for $3 for the bus. So I bargain with her. I'll give you $3 if you help me wheel my 52.5 lb bag down to the taxi line.
Now I'm sitting in a Starbucks, enjoying my all time favorite soy chai listening to the perfect playlist from my personal dubbed Genre "Starbucks Music"
I learned a lot during my two week stay. Some stuff I already knew, just reemphasized. Other stuff that is brand new.
-I'm not a spiritual person. This I already knew. I can respect faith and faithful followers but I am not one to embrace it whole heartedly.
-I am capable of living in a tent for two weeks.
-I'd rather go without a shower than take a cold shower.
-I hate gardening. Too impatient. So much labor so little results.
-I hate mosquitoes. And dousing my skin with lotions and oils keeps them at bay for a short period of time.
-I really am not meant to live in a community household. One, two roomies, cool. 7 are too many.
-I can go two weeks without makeup.
-Underwear is completely unnecessary and over rated
-I really love pedicures and am seriously bothered by the sight of dirty unkept toes.
-Headlamps are genius and beat the flashlight any day.
-Vegetarian living is actually pretty easy, and feels really good.
-I love honey. On everything! In my tea, on yogurt, on crackers
-I have amazing friends and family
-I'll never be a hippie, nor will I date one.
-No matter how patient I become, some people will forever be annoying.
-Fun trumps learning, in my book
-I am just as independent and controlling as I thought I was. I'm seriously uncomfortable relying on other people for things.
-I need options. Having the options makes everything ok. Being without causes me to go stir crazy.
-I get bored easily and don't entertain myself well.
-I don't think I could live without a car for an extended period of time
-Eccentric pots can call eccentric kettles black
-Shaving is a beautiful thing
-I can swim if I calm my mind and dont freak out. The ocean scares the crap out of me.
-If someone offers you fruit take it. Even if you've never heard of it. The fruit world is endless.
-Simple living is harder than extravagant living.
-Meditation is sometimes needed. But twice a day before a meal is my personal torture. I can't concentrate when I want a burrito.
-Pulling weeds is senseless. You want me to pull weeds in this 2'x3' patch of grass while there are 19.5 acres around us with grass 7' tall?
-Frogs are some noisy fuckers and ear plugs really hurt to sleep in.
-It is possible to wash your hair once in a 14 day window and not be nasty and gross.
-Some people really do believe they know everything.
-I will always be a city girl.Country, forest, jungle, mountains just wont ever capture my heart.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Fight vs Flight
I'm exhausted. Seriously, it's 7pm, I took a nap today and I’m still tired.
Since the day I got here I’ve debated whether to stay or leave. I fought with myself for 10 days. During these 10 days I have thought heavily about my fight/flight instincts. I’ve beaten myself up, unnecessarily. I’m too hard on myself, I know Mom, but I really wanted to identify why I wanted to just run away. Is it fear? Is it intuition? How do you recognize fear versus intuition? How do you gauge the appropriate response? I feel like I should run more from intuition but I don’t. I run from fear, letting fear dictate how I live my life. But when things scare you generally it’s because it’s new, foreign and uncomfortable. Instead of staying and overcoming fear, I run. I run because I want to get back to what doesn’t scare me. Fear is “I don’t like this because I don’t know how I should feel right now”
Intuition on the other hand, that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. Deep inside your core. The “something isn’t right” feeling. Intuition is when you know something doesn’t feel right but you can’t explain it. You can’t label it, but you can feel it. And what do I do with intuition when it tells me to run? I stay. I stay when I should run and run when I should stay. I’ve got it all wrong. I stay because I think I feel like I have something to prove. All I end up proving is to myself is that yet again I have failed to listen to my gut. I end up fighting a battle that I should have run from. Like running into a burning building without a hose. For whatever reason I want to fight a fight not worth fighting. And fleeing from something that could help me grow.
I started trying to label what I was feeling and connect it to something I’ve felt in the past just for comparison purposes. It wasn’t in the pit of my stomach, it wasn’t intuition. I know intuition, and this wasn’t it!
I dated a guy for a month after my intuition sounded the alarm. An entire month. Why? Intuition(and Iris) told me to run but I ignored it and fought. I fought a fight I had no chance of winning. The ex girlfriend won, the ex always wins, whether she knows it or not. I should have run, but I stayed. Hoping that either I was wrong or that the feeling would go away. Did it go away? Nope. It got worse. And it kept getting worse and I kept ignoring it. That something isn’t right feeling never went away. Intuition is always familiar and recognizable. A lot of times coded wrong and categorized with subsequent feelings…like insecurity. Did I feel insecure in that relationship? Absolutely. Why? Because my intuition was right and he pulled farther and farther away, pushing me farther and farther away making me feel like something was wrong with me. But it wasn’t me, I was feeling the insecurity becomes the comfort wasn’t there.
Staying here created a feeling of insecurity. Me feeling insecure because everything was unfamiliar . Me afraid of the unknown. I didn’t know how I fit in here, I didn’t have a voice, I wasn’t sure this was the right choice for me. I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing. Did I feel insecure when I woke up in this strange place amongst a dozen intelligent, grounded, creative people? Absolutely. Why? Because I was afraid I didn’t fit in. Did it get worse? No. I stayed, found my place and overcame what it was that made me feel insecure.
Being able to relate what I am feeling now, to something else I’ve felt in the past helps tremendously. I feel like insecurity is present in both fear and intuition, and as long as you are able to identify the feeling, you can then employ the appropriate response. Run when intuition floods your gut, don’t fight...you won’t win, you’ll end up continually unhappy there is nothing to gain and your body is sending warning signals before the shit hits the fan. Avoid falling on your face, pay attention to the “slippery when wet” signs.
Today I decided that I just don’t want to be here anymore. Not fear, not intuition, just conscious choice. I am on a very regimented schedule and I just don’t want to exude the energy to keep up. Screw schedules. I want to be on my own non-schedule. Let things flow as the day allows them. I’m headed to Oahu, to stay with the girl I was originally going to rent a room from. I’ll stay there three weeks. Recruiting in the morning and lounging on the beach in the afternoon. Here I’m lucky to get to the water once a week. I need more sun, more color, more time to by myself.
Since the day I got here I’ve debated whether to stay or leave. I fought with myself for 10 days. During these 10 days I have thought heavily about my fight/flight instincts. I’ve beaten myself up, unnecessarily. I’m too hard on myself, I know Mom, but I really wanted to identify why I wanted to just run away. Is it fear? Is it intuition? How do you recognize fear versus intuition? How do you gauge the appropriate response? I feel like I should run more from intuition but I don’t. I run from fear, letting fear dictate how I live my life. But when things scare you generally it’s because it’s new, foreign and uncomfortable. Instead of staying and overcoming fear, I run. I run because I want to get back to what doesn’t scare me. Fear is “I don’t like this because I don’t know how I should feel right now”
Intuition on the other hand, that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. Deep inside your core. The “something isn’t right” feeling. Intuition is when you know something doesn’t feel right but you can’t explain it. You can’t label it, but you can feel it. And what do I do with intuition when it tells me to run? I stay. I stay when I should run and run when I should stay. I’ve got it all wrong. I stay because I think I feel like I have something to prove. All I end up proving is to myself is that yet again I have failed to listen to my gut. I end up fighting a battle that I should have run from. Like running into a burning building without a hose. For whatever reason I want to fight a fight not worth fighting. And fleeing from something that could help me grow.
I started trying to label what I was feeling and connect it to something I’ve felt in the past just for comparison purposes. It wasn’t in the pit of my stomach, it wasn’t intuition. I know intuition, and this wasn’t it!
I dated a guy for a month after my intuition sounded the alarm. An entire month. Why? Intuition(and Iris) told me to run but I ignored it and fought. I fought a fight I had no chance of winning. The ex girlfriend won, the ex always wins, whether she knows it or not. I should have run, but I stayed. Hoping that either I was wrong or that the feeling would go away. Did it go away? Nope. It got worse. And it kept getting worse and I kept ignoring it. That something isn’t right feeling never went away. Intuition is always familiar and recognizable. A lot of times coded wrong and categorized with subsequent feelings…like insecurity. Did I feel insecure in that relationship? Absolutely. Why? Because my intuition was right and he pulled farther and farther away, pushing me farther and farther away making me feel like something was wrong with me. But it wasn’t me, I was feeling the insecurity becomes the comfort wasn’t there.
Staying here created a feeling of insecurity. Me feeling insecure because everything was unfamiliar . Me afraid of the unknown. I didn’t know how I fit in here, I didn’t have a voice, I wasn’t sure this was the right choice for me. I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing. Did I feel insecure when I woke up in this strange place amongst a dozen intelligent, grounded, creative people? Absolutely. Why? Because I was afraid I didn’t fit in. Did it get worse? No. I stayed, found my place and overcame what it was that made me feel insecure.
Being able to relate what I am feeling now, to something else I’ve felt in the past helps tremendously. I feel like insecurity is present in both fear and intuition, and as long as you are able to identify the feeling, you can then employ the appropriate response. Run when intuition floods your gut, don’t fight...you won’t win, you’ll end up continually unhappy there is nothing to gain and your body is sending warning signals before the shit hits the fan. Avoid falling on your face, pay attention to the “slippery when wet” signs.
Today I decided that I just don’t want to be here anymore. Not fear, not intuition, just conscious choice. I am on a very regimented schedule and I just don’t want to exude the energy to keep up. Screw schedules. I want to be on my own non-schedule. Let things flow as the day allows them. I’m headed to Oahu, to stay with the girl I was originally going to rent a room from. I’ll stay there three weeks. Recruiting in the morning and lounging on the beach in the afternoon. Here I’m lucky to get to the water once a week. I need more sun, more color, more time to by myself.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
67 and counting
I took yesterday off from blogging to enjoy the festivities. Polestar hosted a free community event, and again the people flocked and the food was amazing! We had a giant slip and slide for the kids and adults who act like kids. I believe I heard someone say it was 100 feet long. Everyone lubed themselves up with soap then launched their torso onto the wet plastic heading face first downhill. Of course there were fireworks and the good ole camp fire. We had a family of 5 staying with us this weekend; 7 year old girl and 8 year old twins. It was a bit chaotic, but they were adorable. The 8 yr old boy played his ukulele for us and it was so cute! He even played Jason Mraz “I’m Yours” So Sweet!
Being that today is an observed Holiday, we had the day off as well. I spent the morning frantically searching for apartments since my lease ends in 6 weeks and I don’t have a place to live. My Brother and I exchanged a bunch of emails discussing houses and during this process we discovered that we are each looking for the exact opposite of the other. He wants cheap, practical and close to work. I want aesthetically pleasing and downtown. He wants a roof over his head, I want to throw dinner parties. He decided that this was probably time for him to get out on his own. Which is awesome for so many reasons. First, I don’t have to frantically search for a place now because he will have a place and I can stay with him. Second, I can mooch off of him when I get back, eat his food, leave dirty dishes in the sink, and sleep on his(my) couch. He’s even moving all of my stuff into storage for me while I am gone. I am not excited about the storage part, I’ve only had a storage unit once in my life and all I can remember about it is the disheartening feeling that came over me as I stared at my life in a giant box.
Tomorrow will be one week here, and I’m just now feeling acclimated. I was able to get myself on a schedule and carve out specific hours to do my recruiting job. Of course that means that I wake up at 5am every morning from here on out, but hey. I originally wanted this trip to be a vacation, but honestly I’m happy with the way it has panned out. It is far from a vacation right now. It’s much more of a learning experience and each day I keep reminding myself of that. I’m hoping to learn a ton of skills and tolerances. I have never lived with a dozen people before, so that in itself is teaching my tolerance and patience. I’m learning to calm myself down when I hear my housemate smacking their food. I’m learning to wake up early and get the most out of the day. I’m learning to not take things personally when people make demands, suggestions or comments. I’m learning not to over analyze everything. I’m learning to live outside of my comfort zone. How to be ok with a little mess, and not be a neat freak. How to not scratch what itches and focus on other things. How to bite my tongue when I want to scream. How to take a time out and just relax. How to be ok with multiple directions, multiple projects and zero sense of completion. How to deter mosquitoes and avoid a 68th bite on my body. How to sit up straight. How to let things go.
Being that today is an observed Holiday, we had the day off as well. I spent the morning frantically searching for apartments since my lease ends in 6 weeks and I don’t have a place to live. My Brother and I exchanged a bunch of emails discussing houses and during this process we discovered that we are each looking for the exact opposite of the other. He wants cheap, practical and close to work. I want aesthetically pleasing and downtown. He wants a roof over his head, I want to throw dinner parties. He decided that this was probably time for him to get out on his own. Which is awesome for so many reasons. First, I don’t have to frantically search for a place now because he will have a place and I can stay with him. Second, I can mooch off of him when I get back, eat his food, leave dirty dishes in the sink, and sleep on his(my) couch. He’s even moving all of my stuff into storage for me while I am gone. I am not excited about the storage part, I’ve only had a storage unit once in my life and all I can remember about it is the disheartening feeling that came over me as I stared at my life in a giant box.
Tomorrow will be one week here, and I’m just now feeling acclimated. I was able to get myself on a schedule and carve out specific hours to do my recruiting job. Of course that means that I wake up at 5am every morning from here on out, but hey. I originally wanted this trip to be a vacation, but honestly I’m happy with the way it has panned out. It is far from a vacation right now. It’s much more of a learning experience and each day I keep reminding myself of that. I’m hoping to learn a ton of skills and tolerances. I have never lived with a dozen people before, so that in itself is teaching my tolerance and patience. I’m learning to calm myself down when I hear my housemate smacking their food. I’m learning to wake up early and get the most out of the day. I’m learning to not take things personally when people make demands, suggestions or comments. I’m learning not to over analyze everything. I’m learning to live outside of my comfort zone. How to be ok with a little mess, and not be a neat freak. How to not scratch what itches and focus on other things. How to bite my tongue when I want to scream. How to take a time out and just relax. How to be ok with multiple directions, multiple projects and zero sense of completion. How to deter mosquitoes and avoid a 68th bite on my body. How to sit up straight. How to let things go.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
AcroYoga
July 3, 2010 (Saturday's post, but we didn't have internet access last night)
Saturday’s are our days off, so I did what I do every weekend. Sleep in. Honestly, that was the worst decision I made all day. I was tired, worn down and just out of it all day.
Two of my housemates had plans to take me to see some of the town. We were headed to the Hippie market then the hippie beach. Of course on the way in to town we picked up a hitchhiker, who’s name was totally created after he freed himself from the mainland. Today I heard the saying “Old hippies never die, they come to Puna” Puna is home to more hippies than I have ever encountered. Young and old, smelly and clean, sane and crazy, rich and poor, gay and straight. Every walk of life imaginable. The market was held in an open, outdoor, community center. The booths displayed all handmade items, jewelry, crafts, art, cards, coin purses, and of course food. We received a free smoothie from a guy who is friends with the owners of Polestar. He is a young kid, probably 18, and has a monopoly on the smoothie making around this market. The day before the market, he climbs coconut trees to harvest young coconuts. The night before he makes his famous coconut cream by extracting the juice and the pulp and blending it until it’s liquefied. All of the other fruit in the smoothie he is able to harvest for free off of his land. The one and only thing that he has to purchase to operate his business, cups. He charges $4 for a coconut smoothie that cost him pennies to make. I was just amazed at the ability and desire that these people have to create a sustainable lifestyle from their simple surroundings. They didn’t go out and invest in the stock market, or purchase a franchise. They took what they had around them, threw something unique together and collected a profit.
After the hippie market we went to the beach. First off, they have to warn me that people die there every year because the water is so unpredictable. And we have to walk about 50 feet down a steep hill to get there. And the hippies that hang out there prefer to swim nude. Nude hippies, steep hike down and dangerous water. Sounds glorious. I made it down the hill with no problems, and there were about 20 people sitting along the shore, all of them clothed. What a relief. Now I don’t believe that this was actually a nude beach, I think they tricked me. To my left, a group of dread locked guys roasting a pig in the sand. To my right, a hippie couple sleeping
in a make shift play-pen of sorts below a tree. I refuse to get in the water after that delightful warning that was administered to me, so I take a nap. I must have been asleep forever, because when I woke up the crowd was totally different. All I have to say is, Holy Hairy Hippies batman. They were everywhere. Even the hitchhiker was there, nude. It wasn’t that bad, really, just not appetizing in any way. Watching a large group of twenty-something guys and girls, I couldn’t help but think “I wonder what their childhood was like…what their parents are like?” What kind of upbringing creates an adult who chooses a lifestyle of beach dwelling and public nudity? Looking at them I couldn’t help but think that they were privileged in some way growing up, maybe even sheltered. I find it hard to believe that anyone who grew up with nothing would want to live as an adult with nothing. They had to have been kids who had everything except freedom and individuality. The kids who went to private school and summer camp. The kids who resented their parents for everything, and appreciated nothing.
The last event of the night was a Kirtan meeting. This is where a large group gets together and sings devotional songs in English and some in sandskirt. I sat and listened and watched and felt worse and worse about my day. All day I’ve felt foggy, and just weird about everything. I always thought I was out going and personable but today I felt extremely introverted. Just lost. Suddenly I felt like I lacked self esteem. I’ve always been a pretty confident person, but right then, sitting there I felt the same way I did when I was 19 and realized I had no self esteem. I worked so hard over the last ten years and have created a very confident girl. But here, that girl doesn’t exist. I realize now that I created a costume of confidence. A costume made of expensive makeup, $200 jeans, high heels, straight shiny hair, and distracting surroundings. None of which are present at this moment. It’s just me, faced with myself. No makeup, natural hair, plain clothes and nothing to distract me. Just me, facing myself. I was confident in who I created, not who I was.
I excused myself from the singing room and went to the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and saw the real me, not the created me. Finding confidence in the real me is a whole new task. It’s easy to look at yourself in the mirror, all made up and fashionably dressed and feel beautiful, confident and strong. But if that is the only time you have ever called yourself beautiful, you feel unattractive when it’s all stripped away. And when you feel unattractive, you feel self conscious and feeble. Training my brain to feel the way I feel made up is going to take some work. Let’s face it, we all feel better when we look good. But if I’m planning on spending a whole month looking like shit, I better change my mentality. Like Marianna said in the garden Thursday “Isn’t this horse manure beautiful?” I guess it is possible to see beauty in shit.
While helping clean up after the Kirtan, I was approached by one of the participant. His name was Joel, and he is the first hippie on the island who I have encountered who wears jeans. He asked me if I had ever tried AcroYoga. And before I could complete my two letter answer he asked “Do you want to try it? You’re a perfect candidate!” I said “Sure I’d love to try that sometime” Still not knowing what the hell it is. Then he said “perfect, you’re even wearing the right clothes” He meant right now!? Next thing I know I’m flying in the air like the game airplane we played as kids. From uncomfortably close below, he instructs me to relax like a rag doll. Easier said than done when you’re hoisted in the air by a stranger. So I took a deep breath and let it all go. Everything. While his feet held me steady above the ground, he used his arms to twist and contort my body directions beyond what can be done lying down or standing up, . After about 5 minutes, he let me down and wow…I have never felt so good. I love yoga, but yoga takes effort and work. This was someone else doing all of the work for you to reap all of the reward. I truly felt like myself again. Strong, confident, beautiful, amazing. I’m not sure how he knew I needed that, or why he asked me to randomly practice yoga but it was exactly what my body and my mind needed to feel like myself again.
Saturday’s are our days off, so I did what I do every weekend. Sleep in. Honestly, that was the worst decision I made all day. I was tired, worn down and just out of it all day.
Two of my housemates had plans to take me to see some of the town. We were headed to the Hippie market then the hippie beach. Of course on the way in to town we picked up a hitchhiker, who’s name was totally created after he freed himself from the mainland. Today I heard the saying “Old hippies never die, they come to Puna” Puna is home to more hippies than I have ever encountered. Young and old, smelly and clean, sane and crazy, rich and poor, gay and straight. Every walk of life imaginable. The market was held in an open, outdoor, community center. The booths displayed all handmade items, jewelry, crafts, art, cards, coin purses, and of course food. We received a free smoothie from a guy who is friends with the owners of Polestar. He is a young kid, probably 18, and has a monopoly on the smoothie making around this market. The day before the market, he climbs coconut trees to harvest young coconuts. The night before he makes his famous coconut cream by extracting the juice and the pulp and blending it until it’s liquefied. All of the other fruit in the smoothie he is able to harvest for free off of his land. The one and only thing that he has to purchase to operate his business, cups. He charges $4 for a coconut smoothie that cost him pennies to make. I was just amazed at the ability and desire that these people have to create a sustainable lifestyle from their simple surroundings. They didn’t go out and invest in the stock market, or purchase a franchise. They took what they had around them, threw something unique together and collected a profit.
After the hippie market we went to the beach. First off, they have to warn me that people die there every year because the water is so unpredictable. And we have to walk about 50 feet down a steep hill to get there. And the hippies that hang out there prefer to swim nude. Nude hippies, steep hike down and dangerous water. Sounds glorious. I made it down the hill with no problems, and there were about 20 people sitting along the shore, all of them clothed. What a relief. Now I don’t believe that this was actually a nude beach, I think they tricked me. To my left, a group of dread locked guys roasting a pig in the sand. To my right, a hippie couple sleeping
in a make shift play-pen of sorts below a tree. I refuse to get in the water after that delightful warning that was administered to me, so I take a nap. I must have been asleep forever, because when I woke up the crowd was totally different. All I have to say is, Holy Hairy Hippies batman. They were everywhere. Even the hitchhiker was there, nude. It wasn’t that bad, really, just not appetizing in any way. Watching a large group of twenty-something guys and girls, I couldn’t help but think “I wonder what their childhood was like…what their parents are like?” What kind of upbringing creates an adult who chooses a lifestyle of beach dwelling and public nudity? Looking at them I couldn’t help but think that they were privileged in some way growing up, maybe even sheltered. I find it hard to believe that anyone who grew up with nothing would want to live as an adult with nothing. They had to have been kids who had everything except freedom and individuality. The kids who went to private school and summer camp. The kids who resented their parents for everything, and appreciated nothing.The last event of the night was a Kirtan meeting. This is where a large group gets together and sings devotional songs in English and some in sandskirt. I sat and listened and watched and felt worse and worse about my day. All day I’ve felt foggy, and just weird about everything. I always thought I was out going and personable but today I felt extremely introverted. Just lost. Suddenly I felt like I lacked self esteem. I’ve always been a pretty confident person, but right then, sitting there I felt the same way I did when I was 19 and realized I had no self esteem. I worked so hard over the last ten years and have created a very confident girl. But here, that girl doesn’t exist. I realize now that I created a costume of confidence. A costume made of expensive makeup, $200 jeans, high heels, straight shiny hair, and distracting surroundings. None of which are present at this moment. It’s just me, faced with myself. No makeup, natural hair, plain clothes and nothing to distract me. Just me, facing myself. I was confident in who I created, not who I was.
I excused myself from the singing room and went to the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and saw the real me, not the created me. Finding confidence in the real me is a whole new task. It’s easy to look at yourself in the mirror, all made up and fashionably dressed and feel beautiful, confident and strong. But if that is the only time you have ever called yourself beautiful, you feel unattractive when it’s all stripped away. And when you feel unattractive, you feel self conscious and feeble. Training my brain to feel the way I feel made up is going to take some work. Let’s face it, we all feel better when we look good. But if I’m planning on spending a whole month looking like shit, I better change my mentality. Like Marianna said in the garden Thursday “Isn’t this horse manure beautiful?” I guess it is possible to see beauty in shit.
While helping clean up after the Kirtan, I was approached by one of the participant. His name was Joel, and he is the first hippie on the island who I have encountered who wears jeans. He asked me if I had ever tried AcroYoga. And before I could complete my two letter answer he asked “Do you want to try it? You’re a perfect candidate!” I said “Sure I’d love to try that sometime” Still not knowing what the hell it is. Then he said “perfect, you’re even wearing the right clothes” He meant right now!? Next thing I know I’m flying in the air like the game airplane we played as kids. From uncomfortably close below, he instructs me to relax like a rag doll. Easier said than done when you’re hoisted in the air by a stranger. So I took a deep breath and let it all go. Everything. While his feet held me steady above the ground, he used his arms to twist and contort my body directions beyond what can be done lying down or standing up, . After about 5 minutes, he let me down and wow…I have never felt so good. I love yoga, but yoga takes effort and work. This was someone else doing all of the work for you to reap all of the reward. I truly felt like myself again. Strong, confident, beautiful, amazing. I’m not sure how he knew I needed that, or why he asked me to randomly practice yoga but it was exactly what my body and my mind needed to feel like myself again.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
A jungle out there
It’s day three and each day teaches me more and more. Each day I meet some of the most amazing people. Today I met Marga. After spending the morning harvesting a 30 gallon bucket full of fragrant basil, Marianna invited me to go “swimming” with her and her friend Marga. Now when I someone invites me swimming I instantly think of a pool. Swimming in Hawaii, or according to Marianna, takes place in a geothermally heated pond that the ocean feeds into.
Around 2:30pm, we left to go pick up Marga. We drive down Mango Farm Rd passing hitchhikers who we say Aloha to. Then further down the road, a cute little family taking an afternoon walk under the giant mango trees. Mom and two toddlers, all have dreads. We say Aloha to them as well. Everyone says Aloha to everyone around here. Farther down the road we see Marga, patiently waiting for us, beach towel in hand. Being near-sighted and not having my contacts in or glasses on, from the distance Marga looks like a 22 year old. About 5’2”, 90 lbs, bright eyed, alert, aware and ready to party. Marga is a 65 year old petite woman who was undoubtedly beautiful in her day.
We head to the water, and stop down the road to pick up the hitch hikers who we passed earlier. Hitchhiking is a perfectly acceptable form of transportation on the island, at least on this part of the island where 90% of the residents are hippies, young and old. We drop them off at the beach to watch a surf contest, then head to our spot, the warm pond. The pond is literally like a warm bath, except there are tiny fish that nip at you if you stand in one place too long. I told myself, while in Hawaii, I would get over my inability to swim and today I am proud to say that I swam. Fully swam. Even put my face in the water. I haven’t mastered underwater swimming yet, that’s phase two. But I did swim, and didn’t freak out when my feet realized they had nothing to stand on. I stayed calm and feverishly paddled my way a few feet ahead until I was able to touch ground again. And may I just add, surfers have some of the best bodies. I think my hot sports body attraction has switched from soccer players to surfers. Yum.
We left the warm pond and headed to Marga’s house. Marga lives in the jungle. True jungle living style. Her house has no walls, just a tarp roof and bamboo pillars all around. She lives on an acre of colorful, fruitful, mosquito infested land. But the mosquito’s don’t find her, or any of the locals, attractive. Me, on the other hand, I am like crème brulee. They can’t get enough of me. I have counted 14 mosquito bites so far, on one leg, below the knee. I stopped there. My arms, my stomach, my feet, my back. The only place they haven’t bit me yet is my chest…probably because that territory is claimed since I already have two adjacent mosquito bites there.
Around 2:30pm, we left to go pick up Marga. We drive down Mango Farm Rd passing hitchhikers who we say Aloha to. Then further down the road, a cute little family taking an afternoon walk under the giant mango trees. Mom and two toddlers, all have dreads. We say Aloha to them as well. Everyone says Aloha to everyone around here. Farther down the road we see Marga, patiently waiting for us, beach towel in hand. Being near-sighted and not having my contacts in or glasses on, from the distance Marga looks like a 22 year old. About 5’2”, 90 lbs, bright eyed, alert, aware and ready to party. Marga is a 65 year old petite woman who was undoubtedly beautiful in her day.
We head to the water, and stop down the road to pick up the hitch hikers who we passed earlier. Hitchhiking is a perfectly acceptable form of transportation on the island, at least on this part of the island where 90% of the residents are hippies, young and old. We drop them off at the beach to watch a surf contest, then head to our spot, the warm pond. The pond is literally like a warm bath, except there are tiny fish that nip at you if you stand in one place too long. I told myself, while in Hawaii, I would get over my inability to swim and today I am proud to say that I swam. Fully swam. Even put my face in the water. I haven’t mastered underwater swimming yet, that’s phase two. But I did swim, and didn’t freak out when my feet realized they had nothing to stand on. I stayed calm and feverishly paddled my way a few feet ahead until I was able to touch ground again. And may I just add, surfers have some of the best bodies. I think my hot sports body attraction has switched from soccer players to surfers. Yum.
We left the warm pond and headed to Marga’s house. Marga lives in the jungle. True jungle living style. Her house has no walls, just a tarp roof and bamboo pillars all around. She lives on an acre of colorful, fruitful, mosquito infested land. But the mosquito’s don’t find her, or any of the locals, attractive. Me, on the other hand, I am like crème brulee. They can’t get enough of me. I have counted 14 mosquito bites so far, on one leg, below the knee. I stopped there. My arms, my stomach, my feet, my back. The only place they haven’t bit me yet is my chest…probably because that territory is claimed since I already have two adjacent mosquito bites there.
We walked around her property picking exotic fruit from the trees, cutting it open and eating it.
Figs, jack fruit, lemons, mangos, and so many other fruits I cannot remember and/or pronounce. Fascinating is the only word I can use to describe this lifestyle. Minimal and purely self sufficient, water is collected from rainfall then purified and electricity is generated from solar power. We took our bucket of fruit back to her main hut, where we sat in her dining area around the table. I was given the honor of cutting open and distributing our afternoon snack. Beneath the thin skin was lime custard. Seriously! A fruit with sweet lime pudding inside. Who thinks of these things? It was amazing.
After the swarm of mosquito’s noticeably congregated around me, Marga suggested we move our conversation to her bedroom, which is enclosed by netting. The three of us sat in her room and talked. I learned that Marga is originally from Oregon and has lived on her land for ten years, which she inherited from a friend. She loves scrabble. I also learned that she had a son who she gave up for adoption when she was 20, and the woman who adopted him sends Marga thank you cards on Mother’s Day to express her gratitude.
I feel so privileged to converse with people like Marga. People who can teach you things, who you can learn from. People who have stories to tell and events to recall. People who can share personal information without unloading their emotional instability onto you. People who have more to talk about besides other people. People who don't hold rigid views and are nonjudgemental. People who have created a life that provides them happiness.
Figs, jack fruit, lemons, mangos, and so many other fruits I cannot remember and/or pronounce. Fascinating is the only word I can use to describe this lifestyle. Minimal and purely self sufficient, water is collected from rainfall then purified and electricity is generated from solar power. We took our bucket of fruit back to her main hut, where we sat in her dining area around the table. I was given the honor of cutting open and distributing our afternoon snack. Beneath the thin skin was lime custard. Seriously! A fruit with sweet lime pudding inside. Who thinks of these things? It was amazing.
After the swarm of mosquito’s noticeably congregated around me, Marga suggested we move our conversation to her bedroom, which is enclosed by netting. The three of us sat in her room and talked. I learned that Marga is originally from Oregon and has lived on her land for ten years, which she inherited from a friend. She loves scrabble. I also learned that she had a son who she gave up for adoption when she was 20, and the woman who adopted him sends Marga thank you cards on Mother’s Day to express her gratitude.
I feel so privileged to converse with people like Marga. People who can teach you things, who you can learn from. People who have stories to tell and events to recall. People who can share personal information without unloading their emotional instability onto you. People who have more to talk about besides other people. People who don't hold rigid views and are nonjudgemental. People who have created a life that provides them happiness.
Friday, July 2, 2010
In working order
The place I am staying, Polestar Gardens, has a program that allows willing individuals housing and food for a really low price, in exchange for 25 hours worth of work each week. Today was my first official day of work:
3:23am I wake up with the urge to pee. No way I’m going outside, and no way I’m walking all the way to the main house. It's dark out there. Back to sleep…with a full bladder.
5:45am Alarm goes off, and I pull my ear plugs out, grab my water bottle and head for the main house to empty my bladder and brush my teeth.
6:00am Morning Yoga & Meditation.
7:15am Breakfast. Brown rice, egg and avocado. Yummy!
8:15am Morning circle, where we distribute jobs and plan the day. I’m assigned to the garden.
8:30-12:15pm I work in the greenhouse with Marianna, who is a true gardner. She says things like “Isn’t this horse manure beautiful?” and “Weeding isn’t our real job today, we are just doing this for fun." I have never done a day of gardening before today. I’m notorious for killing plants. I once had an ex boyfriend give me a cactus as a valentine’s day gift with a card that read “I hope we last longer than this plant” See, he thought that no one could kill a cactus, so his chances of us lasting longer than the plant were good. Wrong. Both the relationship and the plant died, though I can’t remember which went first.
12:15pm More meditation
12:30pm Lunch. Veggie wrap, chips & salsa and a brownie.
2:00-3:30pm I learned the proper way to pull weeds. Did you know there is a correct postural position that truly makes a world of a difference?
My shoulders and back soaked up the sun, and should be nice and golden soon enough. And apparently, I’m already losing weight because my pants were too big today and wouldn’t stay up. I got a nice tomato red sunburn where my shirt failed to meet my pants when I was parallel to the sun pulling weeds.
3:45pm The most I’ve ever needed a shower! My skin was itchy from all of the dirt and leaves and plants and grass and bugs. I had red welts all over.
5:30pm Evening Yoga session. Super relaxing, I literally fell asleep during one of the poses. Granted it was Savasana, which is a pose where you lay on your back and try to become one with the earth or your mat.
7:00pm Dinner. Salad, brown rice, cucumber. Then Ice cream.
8:15pm Monthly check-in meeting. Once a month the whole house gets together to just talk, about anything and everything. One by one we went around and spoke whatever our heart desired. Blessings, struggles, pains, kudos, stories.
I expected the whole thing to be a giant bitch fest, but it never was. Everyone here is truly positive and has an optimistic outlook on everything regardless of how big or small their problems actually are. I sat there thinking how amazing it was that a 17 year old kid, who recently had his foot amputated due to cancer had nothing to complain about. How amazing that he could sit there and say “All things considered, I have a pretty good way of staying positive” He talked about his band, and his plans for the weekend, and starting college. Not the fact that he was robbed of an appendage by a disease that could have claimed his life. Nope. I’m 12 years older than him and I genuinely want to be like him when I grow up. I want to always look on the bright side, and not feel sorry for myself when something awful happens to me. I want to see the positive outcome and not the damning circumstance. I’ve heard the saying many times, that no matter how big you think your problems are there is always someone out there who is worse off than you are. Which I’m certain is true, but what does it say about that person, and about you, if they see their larger problem as a minor issue? We all have the ability to inflate circumstantial issues that temporarily cripple us emotionally. Yet people like this 17 year old kid have the ability to physically and emotionally overcome a permanent handicap.
3:23am I wake up with the urge to pee. No way I’m going outside, and no way I’m walking all the way to the main house. It's dark out there. Back to sleep…with a full bladder.
5:45am Alarm goes off, and I pull my ear plugs out, grab my water bottle and head for the main house to empty my bladder and brush my teeth.
6:00am Morning Yoga & Meditation.
7:15am Breakfast. Brown rice, egg and avocado. Yummy!
8:15am Morning circle, where we distribute jobs and plan the day. I’m assigned to the garden.
8:30-12:15pm I work in the greenhouse with Marianna, who is a true gardner. She says things like “Isn’t this horse manure beautiful?” and “Weeding isn’t our real job today, we are just doing this for fun." I have never done a day of gardening before today. I’m notorious for killing plants. I once had an ex boyfriend give me a cactus as a valentine’s day gift with a card that read “I hope we last longer than this plant” See, he thought that no one could kill a cactus, so his chances of us lasting longer than the plant were good. Wrong. Both the relationship and the plant died, though I can’t remember which went first.
12:15pm More meditation
12:30pm Lunch. Veggie wrap, chips & salsa and a brownie.
2:00-3:30pm I learned the proper way to pull weeds. Did you know there is a correct postural position that truly makes a world of a difference?
My shoulders and back soaked up the sun, and should be nice and golden soon enough. And apparently, I’m already losing weight because my pants were too big today and wouldn’t stay up. I got a nice tomato red sunburn where my shirt failed to meet my pants when I was parallel to the sun pulling weeds.3:45pm The most I’ve ever needed a shower! My skin was itchy from all of the dirt and leaves and plants and grass and bugs. I had red welts all over.
5:30pm Evening Yoga session. Super relaxing, I literally fell asleep during one of the poses. Granted it was Savasana, which is a pose where you lay on your back and try to become one with the earth or your mat.
7:00pm Dinner. Salad, brown rice, cucumber. Then Ice cream.
8:15pm Monthly check-in meeting. Once a month the whole house gets together to just talk, about anything and everything. One by one we went around and spoke whatever our heart desired. Blessings, struggles, pains, kudos, stories.
I expected the whole thing to be a giant bitch fest, but it never was. Everyone here is truly positive and has an optimistic outlook on everything regardless of how big or small their problems actually are. I sat there thinking how amazing it was that a 17 year old kid, who recently had his foot amputated due to cancer had nothing to complain about. How amazing that he could sit there and say “All things considered, I have a pretty good way of staying positive” He talked about his band, and his plans for the weekend, and starting college. Not the fact that he was robbed of an appendage by a disease that could have claimed his life. Nope. I’m 12 years older than him and I genuinely want to be like him when I grow up. I want to always look on the bright side, and not feel sorry for myself when something awful happens to me. I want to see the positive outcome and not the damning circumstance. I’ve heard the saying many times, that no matter how big you think your problems are there is always someone out there who is worse off than you are. Which I’m certain is true, but what does it say about that person, and about you, if they see their larger problem as a minor issue? We all have the ability to inflate circumstantial issues that temporarily cripple us emotionally. Yet people like this 17 year old kid have the ability to physically and emotionally overcome a permanent handicap.
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