Happy Endings

I woke up this morning with this overwhelming sense of disappointment. It hit me the moment the sun woke me up. It was weird. Usually I wake up and only think about wanting to go back to sleep. But today was different, today all I could think about was failure, lack of action and disappointment. The first two minutes of my day. No excitement. No joy. Just an odd sense of "You suck." I recognize how easy it is to believe your brain and the things it tells you, and let your whole day take on the tone that you had no power over and no part of. But somehow I was able to stop myself. Somehow I was able to really listen to myself and hear the things I was saying to myself. (Right about now, I sound like a nut job.) I was truly having a conversation with myself in my head. Almost like a conversation I would have with a friend. When I said "You've really screwed up a lot of things" and "There is so much that you slack on. So much that you should do but dont do." I honestly felt like I was being scolded. And I think it was that feeling that sparked a reaction in me. I would never expect a friend or anyone for that matter to say something like that to me, so why in the world would I say that to myself? And then it hit me! I've been working so hard lately at making it on my own, without my corporate job, trying my hand at self employment and there are tons of things I wish I would do differently but I have yet to reward or praise myself for the good things that I have done. I'm etching the to-do's in my brain and am focusing on those that remain untouched.

It would have been easy, and perfectly sane, to roll out of bed and get on with my day and not have a full blow argument in my head. But what I realized, in the midst of my argument was, how productive is this negativity really going to make me? Am I going to get up and spring to action because I feel bad. Nope. I'll probably mope around and make a list of all of the things that I haven't done and dwell on it even more. And what about all the things I have done? Where did those go? Why didn't those matter to this negative me, in my head? I then reminded myself that I have recently overcome what used to be one of my biggest flaws. I have mailed my last 5 orders within 24 hours of purchase, some even the same day. I can mail things in a timely manner!!! Woohoo! That's huge for me. That was all the justification I needed to remind myself that I was awesome. And those little things on the list, sure they mattered, but there was no harm done and ultimately meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Once again, I am right where I need to be.

And then, within the hour, our stuff is delivered! Fresh off the boat after the trip across the Pacific Ocean. Everything feels so complete now. My desk. My mannequin. My clothes, shoes, beauty goodies, books, photos, blankets. And my bed. For the first time in almost exactly a month I will sleep in a real bed. Bye bye air mattress. Good night.

Blueberries

My Brother dropped a whole container of Blueberries on the kitchen floor. I found this to be the funniest thing I had ever seen! And proceed to take a photo shoot.You really have no idea how humorous it can be to watch a 6 foot tall dude pick up plump, delicate blueberries one by one as the continue to roll across the kitchen floor. He didn't find it funny. Not at all, while I laughed and snapped pictures the whole time. I still find it funny just thinking about it! 

He was making his after work protein shake, which contains almost every fruit under the sun, or at least what ever we have in the house and about 1/2 gallon of milk. Whole milk. He is on a one gallon of milk a day diet. In an attempt to gain weight. Yup, a diet to gain weight. 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the house I have my boyfriend who works out like a mad man and complains everyday about how he can not lose weight. And me, I just eat...when ever I'm hungry...

It's been almost four years since I discovered that I was allergic to Yeast. And oh how my eating habits have changed. At first I simply avoided bread. Then I learned that Yeast extract is used as a flavor enhancer, so I started reading labels. And then the list of foods I could eat was smaller than the list of foods I couldn't eat. But all that was on that list was processed, packaged, and pre-made foods. So naturally I started cooking more, realizing that as long as I cooked it I knew exactly what was in it and I could safely eat it. 

A funny thing happens when you start eating fresh, homemade, real food. Everything else starts to taste like junk. Except chocolate cake. I'll never make a homemade chocolate cake that tastes as good as what I can buy. Anyhow, after cooking so much and eating better most things just started to taste awful. I couldn't enjoy a night out to dinner because I would constantly think,  'I can totally make this better'. 

But then this turned into some really expensive grocery trips, and a pantry full of tons of stuff I only used a pinch of. So I started another change. Work with what you got. I started creating random things, some good, some not so good. I found apps on the ipad that allowed you to search recipes based on the contents of your refrigerator. I started making use out of all the stuff that sat in the pantry, or the back of the fridge, I stopped going to the grocery store as often. I started getting creative. 

The next change that hit me was my disgust for meat. I've always hated cooking meat. It freaks me out. It smells bad. It's full of germs that forbid you to touch things. While I used to rarely buy meat, I slowly stopped buying it at all. I still eat meat, don't get me wrong...there's nothing I love more than a juicy bloody steak. But only if someone else cooks it. 

And the last food change that hit me last year was going organic. I started buying all organic produce and educating myself on what organic means and why it is beneficial. Since being back on the mainland I have started subscribing to door to door organics, which is a company that delivers a box of fresh organic produce to your home as often as you elect. 

Every night my Brother stands over me in the kitchen pitching dinner ideas and side dish suggestions. Begging me to "just go to the store!" to buy a well thought out, wallet stripping dinner. And each night I bounce around the kitchen, from the fridge to the pantry, to the spice cupboard letting ideas dance in my head. He then asks "What the hell are you gonna do with all that?" and usually ads in "I don't like that thing, I don't like those, and I don't even know what that is."  

Last week he wanted fish tacos, I only had tofu, so we had tofu taco. He ate four. Three days later I made stuffed eggplant, which he refused, until it came out of the oven. Each time, never satisfied with the verbal title I give him to describe our dinner. But he never declines the finished product and he never leaves an empty plate.

Moral of the story:

-Eat fresh

-Read Labels

-Cook more

-Work with what you got.

-Get creative.

-Buy Organic.

And lastly...never listen to nay-sayers. Trust your inner chef. 

One Month Anniversary - This life

One month ago today, I celebrated my first day of unemployment. I am proud to say that his month has been more than I ever expected it to be. Overall, everything about me feels better. My bank account has shrunk, but my energy has increased. It took me so long to muster up the courage to leave my job and never turn back. I had the hardest time picturing life without my steady paycheck. Most of all I was afraid of what other people would think. But I guess this is the age when you stop caring about what other people think and do what makes you happy.

This life I am living, takes an open mind that's for sure. But the few things I've noticed so far are: life always goes on, you always make it through, miracles happen everyday, money does not have to rule your life, and time isn't money...money replaces time. I'm proud to have my time. Having time allows me to not spend money. It's funny because when I was working I was always stressing about money. Spending each paycheck before I even received it. I've cut almost everything unnecessary out of my life and money is not a worry anymore. Ironically, the lack of money makes me worry less than the abundance of money. 

This life isn't for everyone, that's for sure. It isn't for people who have fallen prey to consumerism. It isn't for people who have credit card debt and large monthly mortgages and car payments. It isn't for people who define themselves through their career and their image they portray. It isn't for those who are working their way up the corporate ladder to one day enjoy retirement. It isn't for people who have no passion, no hobbies, no ideas. It isn't for those who are striving for the American Dream. 

Years ago Steve Jobs gave a speech to a Stanford graduating class. I heard the speech for the first time on Thanksgiving 2011 as I was sitting at home posting items to my etsy shop, el cheapo Vintage.. Two quotes he said ultimately forced me into making a change, and have stuck with me since then. 

My favorite quote:

"If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.- Steve Jobs

And the next favorite:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs

You can read the entire speech here! It's pretty powerful. 

I am proud of every accomplishment I have obtained in my life. I've completed goals, I've beat odd, I've excelled where others have failed. But my proudest moment, thus far has to be the moment I am living in now. I'm proud to be living my life. Proud to be present in each day not regretting the past or worrying about the future. Proud to have had the courage to step outside of a box placed around me by the society I live in. 

My life this week...

I have had such an amazing week. So much so, that I forgot all about my blog! Oops!!! Well here's the update since last Monday's post.
Monday: Went to Casa Bonita with Miss Brit and her family. 6 grown adults at a children's restaurant. If you don't know what Casa Bonita is, google the South Park episode and it will give you the most accurate representation. Cliff divers, caves, magic shows, puppet shows, Gorillas. Yup, all in one night.
Tuesday: Spent the day Downtown Denver, exploring the city and living the life. Also visited the Downtown public Library, all 6 stories of it. And found some great books on Vintage clothing and the styles through different eras.
Wednesday: Posted 11 new items to my shop, el Cheapo Vintage. A long day of research and photo editing. It also snowed a bit Wednesday, so it was the perfect day to stay in. Once night hit, the snow had stopped so I made my way out for a few errands. Clipped coupons, sent to me by my Momma, and strategically planned a coupon run at the local grocery store. Highlights of the trip were four tubes of toothpaste for .69 each, three containers of my favorite coconut milk for $1.79 each and two bottles of laundry soap for $2.99 each. I'm set! Saved over $50 with coupons on that shopping trip. Lastly, we went to Village Inn, which is like a Denny's but cooler, for free pie Wednesday. Basically, you buy any item on the menu and you get a slice of pie for free. I had orange juice, and coconut cream pie. The perfect, under $10 diner date.
Thursday: Storage Wars! I was dragged out of bed at 8am to go to storage auctions all across town. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. And yes, it was exactly like the TV show! People outbidding others, for piles of boxes and bags of clothes with no apparent true value. Amazing how people let ego and competition spend their money for them. I did make one major observation; the later in the day the more cash burns a hole in their pocket. Our first auction at 9am we saw a full locker sell for $60, complete with bed, dining table, power wheels, etc. Our last auction, at 3pm we saw a locker which looked like someone was totally living in it, sell for over $100. The highest locker sold for $800. What a gamble. I'm glad I was an observer and not a bidder. Some people take this game way too seriously.

And Today: Estate Sale Friday. I stayed up until almost 1am last night planning out my purchases for today's Estate Sale. We found a company who post pictures the night before a sale so you can see if it's anything you are interested in. I wanted it all! I researched over 50 items to see what would be the best investment. Ameer was only interested in the guns. We woke up super early, stopped at Starbucks and then drove 45 minutes to the sale. We arrived twenty minutes before the doors open there was a line 40 people deep. I got everything on my list and more. And poor Ameer, the guy in front of him bought all 20+ guns so he didn't even have a chance. Oh the things I found...Probably the most amazing piece is a Vintage wedding dress that I am still researching to determine if it's 20's or 30's. And patterns, tons and tons of vintage sewing patterns. I love this game! Once all of the research and cleaning is done these items will hit my shop! 

One of the many Estate Sale finds today

Things I love.

My usual blog time is in bed, minutes before I hit the pillow. At the request of the man I share the bed with, which by the way is currently a blow up mattress, I will now complete my blog post earlier in the day. Which is good, I guess, because it reduces the chance that I will fall asleep or forget to post at all.

So today's post, Things I love, was brought on by the fact that I am posting from the library. And I love the library. And it got me thinking, there are tons of things that I love. Tons of things that are worth blogging about and sharing for the possibility that someone else would learn to love them too, or already loves them as well!  So here it goes...
Things I love:

• The library- Our library, nearest our house, is brand new at totally state of the art! This place is amazingly cool and I plan on making this my office.
• Chai tea- Not a day goes by where I don't drink Chai tea. I can't afford the daily Starbucks addiction anymore so I only do that a couple times a week now and make tea at home.
• Water- Nothing tastes better than water when I am super duper thirsty. But I can't drink ice cold water, it has to be room temperature.
• Reading 3 books at once- I get bored easily so this is the only way I can ever finish a book is to have three that I rotate through. I am currently reading Before I go to sleep, Shattered Innocence, and Pure Skin: Organic Beauty Basics.
• Working for myself- I seriously love this life and do not know how I will ever be able to go back. I guess when the time comes I will have no choice but for now I will cherish my etsy site, el Cheapo Vintage.
• Thrift store shopping- I've blogged about this before. There is just an amazing thrill to finding amazing things for very cheap. Last Thursday, right after my "I am right where I need to be" post, I was at my usual thrift shop and spotted a 1920's sewing machine. She was gorgeous! I was 2 minutes too late and someone else grabbed her, right as I was approaching her. I walked around the store like a zombie after that and had to remind myself of my Mantra.
• My fuzzy pants- As cold as Colorado is, I am beyond thankful for my amazingly warm fuzzy pants. These aren't your average sweat pants. These puppies are called Mossbud, by North Face and they have fuzz on both the inside and the outside. It's too amazing to even describe.
• Post Secrets on Sundays- If you've never read Post Secret you are in for a surprise. This is a blog, updated every Sunday by a man who has people anonymously send him handmade post cards with a 'Secret' on it. The secrets are amazing. The things people hide are truly mind blowing. I usually stay up late Saturday night to read it first thing Sunday morning. Ah-Mazing. If you have any type of secret in your life, this site will change your perception of things. It's worth a browse. I have several moments throughout each day that pop in my mind as a potential Secret for post secrets. I have yet to conjure up a secret of my own on a creative post card.

• Fiesta Hour at Del Taco- Um yeah. I hate fast food, but I love Del Taco. So contradictory, I know. Well Fiesta Hour is where 10 specific items are half off. So we can eat lunch of two burritos, two taco and a drink for less than $6.
• Slurpees- Nothing makes me feel better when I am in a bad mood.
• Florence and the Machine- Followed her before she hit the States, and now she is a national star. Love the soul behind her voice. And I especially love this video, and wish I could dance like this in public! (Especially at the 1:27 mark) I attempted her Dog Days are Over song at Karaoke one day and LOVED being able to belt out every emotion inside me. I have to say, I think I did pretty damn good too. The secret was, I pretended I was singing at home, in my underwear...like I always do.
• Sia- Ah Sia. She's another international artist I have followed. Her song, Breathe Me, is probably my all time favorite song. Something I would want played at my wedding and my funeral. I love the power behind her little voice. She starts out so soft, then BAM hit you with passion. Right now I have her voice stuck in my head, verses from two of her songs which are tied in my book for my second favorite Sia song. Little Black Sandals at 0:53 is my favorite verse, and her voice is so powerful and so emotional. And I go to Sleep, from the very moment she starts singing, gives me chills.
• Thin crust pizza- I am not even supposed to eat pizza but I've found a way to stop the side effects that my allergy to Yeast produces. I've discovered that if I take Advil 20 min prior to eating, I don't get the headache and to stop the rash, I take a homeopathic pill I found specifically made for "Rash due to food allergies" Ha! Genius!!! My new favorite is Kashi Mediterranean Pizza.
• Hosting Parties- Everyone knows I love hosting a good party. I can't wait to get my apartment situated, after all of our stuff is delivered so I can plan my first party.
• Cooking- Having all of this time, I'm a cooking fool. I'm loving this life and all of the good food that comes along with it.
• Inspirational quotes- I was looking at my cousin Kelly's facebook page today and she had some amazing quotes listed that reminded me just how powerful words can be.
• The word Believe- Believe in yourself. Believe in your abilities. Believe in who you are, who you will become and who you want to be. Believe that everything happens for a reason. Believe that miracles happen. Believe that anything is possible. Believe in the power of the universe. Just Believe.

And that's all for today because my time is up on this public Library computer.

Granola

So I can not figure out what is wrong with my blog, but a couple people have been unable to comment. Can't figure it out for the life of me. Anyhow, so far I've missed two days of blogging this year, but that's ok. First missed day was due to being away from my computer all day, and the second missed day was yesterday and that was mainly because I was actually really busy yesterday. As busy as an unemployed person can be that is.

I'm discovering that this self employed business is hard work. It takes every ounce of self control that I have to keep myself on track. And facebook is no help at all. I had a personal goal to get 50 items into the shop by Friday and that didn't happen. I hit 44 items and had one sale this weekend which is great but didn't keep myself disciplined enough to hit the goal. Tomorrow starts a whole new 'work week' so I will get to posting all of the items that I spent 3 hours shooting pictures of today. Mainly household items since my mannequin still isn't here. I miss her.

This weekend was rather productive at home though, I accomplished a lot of the organizing and cleaning stuff I wanted to get out of the way. And I made my homemade granola! Being unemployed has genuinely made me look at money differently. I value it a whole lot more than I ever used to. I have yet to create that budget that I keep telling myself I will, but I have come up with some awesome ways to save money and be more frugal. Which I will share in the future. But I think the most relevant to share is the homemade granola because that is probably my new favorite thing to make! We eat bowls and bowls of granola daily and the healthier the variety the more expensive the box. So I searched for good online recipe and came across a few that just didn't do it for me. But then I found this cute pregnant girl who had a family recipe that she seemed really confident in, so I trusted her and followed her video. She even has a cute title for it, which I think was the most appealing to me. "Good life on a budget" I followed her recipe exactly as she suggested and within an hour I had crispy, yummy homemade granola. I figure if I make this once a week it will save me about $10 a week, because the whole batch only cost around $1 to make when buying the ingredients in the bulk bins at health food stores. Next time I make it I am going to try different variations and flavors, just to switch it up a little.

More on my money saving deals tomorrow!!! Good night!

First Friday

It hasn't even been a month since I left my job, but already the days have blurred together and though it freaked me out at first, I now completely love it. Two weeks ago I woke up early one morning in a minor state of panic. I had no idea what day it was. Then I gently reminded myself that it didn't matter because I had no where to be. But the control freak that lives in my head would not let me go back to sleep until I figured out what day it was. It was Friday. Happy Friday everyone!

I failed this mission of daily blogging, 5 days into the project, because I was not online for 10 seconds yesterday. I actually woke up at 6am, the earliest I've woken up since my last day of work, wait no, I never woke up that early for work. Anyhow, it was 6am yesterday and we were getting ready to head to the mountains to spend two days with friends. It was amazing. I opted to skip the slopes and hit the bar. So while 5 others froze while propelling themselves down a mountain I sat on a cozy bar stool and ate fried pickles and drank a bloody mary. The highlight of the trip had to have been the snow tubing. Being the sissy that I am, I hesitated every single time but I too propelled myself down a large icy mountain. It was 10pm and utterly freezing but so much fun. 

Being back in Denver for over two weeks now, I still have not been able to catch up with everyone who I've been missing. I've spent most of my time in my PJ's at my kitchen table working on my etsy shop. The site is running remarkably well. I am so excited to do something I love every day. In the past two weeks I have been to one estate sale, and three thrift stores. I have a closet full of items that have yet to be posted, and I am hoping that this weekend will be my catch up weekend. I made a promise to myself that I would not go shopping for more items until all of these items were posted! 

My latest success with el Cheapo Vintage came at a complete surprise today when I came back from the mountains. My shop stats hit a record breaking high and I soon discovered that two of my latest estate sale finds were featured on a very popular blog, Retrorenevations. Such an honor to be featured on such a popular blog. 

Tomorrow, Saturday, I think, is gonna be a busy day. I plan to post my little heart out and get all of my listings up to date and also make some home made granola. Should be fun! And of course I will share the recipe. 

1 year later--Grandma Cora

This post was one I wrote a year ago, word for word, but more relevant today than ever.... 


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It’s been months since my last post, and now more than ever I realize the significance of the very title I chose for this blog. Broken Plateau. I started this blog because the constant that I knew became erratic. And I stopped blogging the minute my life hit a plateau. Well two days ago my plateau was once again broken. One of the most significant people in my life, my Grandma Cora, passed away at 1:12am on 1/5/11.

Just over a month ago when her diagnosis became reality my life paused for a moment. Everything around me truly had a different meaning. At that moment I forced myself to make the decision to either return to California and visit her while she is living, or pay my respects at her funeral after she is gone. I decided that when faced with life or death, to always take life. I arrived at LAX at 5:00am two days after that heartbreaking phone call. Around 9:00am I made my way to Grandma’s house to begin my visit. I snuck past her sleeping body, as I made my way to the restroom, and couldn’t quite digest the fact that she was slowly fading away when in reality, right in front of me, she looked no different than the last time I saw her. When she woke up she didn’t even notice me in the room until Stephanie said “Look who came to see you” For those three seconds that she unrecognizably stared at me with nothing in her expression, my heart sank. It could have taken 10 hours and I would have been ok, but three seconds was all she needed to focus and see who was standing in front of her. A single tear rolled down her left cheek as she said “Why did you come?” I choked out “To visit you.” And her next sentence, two words, were filled with pure emotion and genuine truth “Thank You.” Two sentences from my Grandma and my trip to visit was complete. Right then I knew that I had made the right choice.

I left her house that evening, and drove one hour to my best friend’s house crying loudly, three-quarters of the way home. I was upset at cancer for making her suffer but thankful for the notice. I started thinking about all of the things I could share about my Grandma and the impact she had on my life. And I started thinking about how when someone dies, we always remember the good things and push past the bad things. I challenged myself to think of the bad things and all that came to mind was one great realization. Never, not once, did I receive one word of criticism from my Grandma Cora. Not once. Not when I was six and she was scrubbing behind my ears in the shower. Not when I was 16 and pregnant. Not when I uprooted my son and moved out of state. Not when I dropped everything and moved to an Island. Not once. As a mother, a Sister, a daughter, a friend I wish I could say that I have inherited that quality, but I haven’t. No one in my life will ever be able to say the same about me, nor will I be able to say the same about anyone else in my life. For the next ten days in California, I looked at those around me with a little more love, a little more compassion and a little less criticism.

My Grandma was the first person to teach me many things. She taught me the beauty in the challenge of puzzles and showed her commitment in her steadfast determination to never give up. On a road trip home from Tracy when I was around the age of 7, we stopped at a tiny truck stop diner for lunch. She had $4 to her name, which bought us an egg sandwich and a cup of coffee. She taught me then; Eat Slow, it tricks your body. She was the first person to introduce me to church, paying my neighbor .25 cents per Hail Mary that I could recite by memory. She taught me independence by having me walk home by myself from first grade every day. She taught me love.
My Grandma was always the first person to express her pride in my decisions. She was always proud of me for making something of myself, and proud of the parent I had become. Proud of the life I created in a different state, but little did she know, being away from her was the hardest part. There were days I would think about her, and wanted nothing more than to take her to lunch that day. When I moved to Hawaii, it weighed even heavier on my heart. The thought that I would be so far away and not be there if something happened hurt, so much, that precisely one week before her diagnosis my boyfriend and I had a discussion about it. I told him my Grandma has always told me to live my life, has always emphasized the importance of living your own life, what makes you happy. She would be the first person to say “Don’t interrupt your life. You have your life to live” but the last person who’s funeral I would have ever guessed I would have to miss.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am the worst procrastinator when it comes to mailing Birthday cards. A few weeks ago, I was sorting through my card box and found two cards. A Birthday card and a Mother’s day card, both blank, both bought for Grandma Cora, both never sent. In May I held on to these cards with the naïve belief that I could save them for next year. Never did it cross my mind that next year may not be an option. I’ve learned a valuable lesson here, not just pertaining to greeting cards and timely mailings, but life in general. My Grandma was a constant in my life, a rock I knew I could always stand on when I needed to find my footing. She is a large part of who I am today, and who I hope to become in the future

Words never die

You wonder why you react the way you do. And why you hate the way you feel inside. Trust yourself, you know best.
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My biggest eye opening, make a change, wake-up happened when Joe came to visit last summer. He now hadn't lived with me for exactly a year, which meant I hadn't worn my Mom hat for a year as well. I had always thought of myself as an awesome Mom. A great Mom. I mean we all think of ourselves that way right? And I know some really bad Mom's. I'm pretty quick to judge. But I never stopped and judged myself. Until last year.

Coincidentally, I was reading a powerful self help book at the time that Joe came to visit. It was helping me identify the different 'egos' I had created for myself based on many different situations in my past. I had already come to some powerful conclusions and was working hard at breaking down those created egos. The ego that I failed to questions throughout the whole year of self discovery was my Mom ego. Who I was a Mom? Where did my thoughts, beliefs, habits and idiosyncrasies come from?

When I was 14 years old my parents divorced. I couldn't have been happier. I was probably the only kid who wanted their parents to divorce. My home was broken in every sense of the word. Broken, beaten and badly bruised. My Father was a walking, talking, shell of a human being engrossed by drugs. I can't say I know much about who he is as a person, and I'm not sure that he knows either, but I can tell you a lot about drug abuse and addiction. My Mother was our primary care taker and worked a steady, respectable job five days a week.  

(Flash forward to Joe's return to my house.)
So here I was, living my day to day life now about to reincorporate the Mom ego/hat. I came home from work on that first day, tired. I made dinner, we watched a movie. We went to sleep. Tuesday, repeat. Wednesday, repeat. Thursday, repeat. Friday, we went to dinner and watched fireworks. Sounds pretty average right? Sure, except it was drastically different than my weeks prior. I remember thinking to myself, 'Why am I acting different because Joe is here?' I had just experienced a whole side of me that I had never experienced before, and yet it all went out the window when I was wearing my Mom hat. This lead me to finally understand that the Mom I had been playing for 13 years was the Mom I had learned and created. Not the Mom who I really was. When I really broke it down, I was doing exactly what I had witnessed my Mom do for most of my childhood. Except she was going through an abusive marriage at the time, I was not. I had no excuse for being so disengaged.

I can't even remember the context of the conversation of the year that it took place, but I remember the words vividly. My Grandma Cora said "Your parent's raised you the best way that they knew how."

I fault no one for past experiences, I am an adult responsible for my thoughts, actions, as well as my future and I have a child of my own to shape. I am now the one who has to do the best I know how. I understand wholeheartedly what my Grandma meant in her words of wisdom. But what happens when you know better and don't do your best? When you don't do the best that you know how? As soon as I recognized the effect that this issue had on Joe I felt too guilty to not make a change. I want to be a parent who does the best I know how to do, and I never want to assume that I am fully at my best.

Right where I need to be.

I recently listened to a lecture online about Goals. The man, who recorded this particular lecture in the 70's, said "If you share your goals with other people, you are less likely to complete them" His reasoning was, you receive the praise from sharing your goal, which triggers the same gratification as completing your goal. So all of those positive things you say to someone when they share their goals are actually counter effective. With that said, and the standard New Years Resolutions that take place this time of year, I am not sharing a god damned thing. Hahaha! No really, I can't share my goals because they mean too much to me. And to everyone who has set goals, keep them to yourself until you have completed them! Wait for that praise and gratification.

My etsy site, el Cheapo Vintage, which is presently my Full Time job is trucking right along. January is the beginning of my third month in business and things are right on the track they should be on. I miss my community thrift store in Hawaii, but I am seeking out new thrifting venues almost daily. Last week I hit a thrift store and an amazing estate sale. I left with a giant box of some of the most amazing vintage pieces I have ever seen! Proudly holding my box, waiting in line I notice a girl next to me with a full box of her own and her finds make my box contents look like poop. I was SO incredibly jealous. I even blurted out "Where did you find that stuff?!?" Which prompted her to look down at the floor, avoid eye contact, and say "In a closet" Well as I soaked in my jealousy I catch on to the fact that she has an 'in' with the estate sale company and totally got the hook up on scoping things out prior to the doors opening. But it's ok...I have to constantly remind myself of this when vintage shopping. It's hilarious how my competitive nature strikes up full force over someone else's junk. In thrift stores I have to pace myself, and keep my eyes centered and not peek in other people's carts or stare as they pull something off the rack. I have had to create a shopping mantra just to calm myself down. "I am right where I need to be" I probably repeat this 20-30 times an hour while shopping to remind myself that I need to present and not worried about what I could have missed or what is on the next aisle. Often I am so focused on what the next person has in her basket, or what the employees are wheeling out of the stock room, that I completely miss a pure vintage gem right in front of me.

Ironically, the mantra pertains to a lot more than thrift store shopping. So many times we rush from one thing to the next not even realizing what we have right in front of us. We are searching for what everyone else has, without taking inventory of the wealth we have. We are thinking of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and not trusting ourselves and instincts or intuition. The next time you find yourself worrying about or dwelling on a moment other than the present remind yourself "This is right where I need to be" If you are planning the future and regretting the past you are not living in the present. Be right where you need to be. Here. Now. No matter where or when, you are always right where you need to be.

Namaste 2012

Happy 2012 everyone, welcome to another year of your life. I was blessed with an amazing year in 2011 and as a direct result I neglected my blog. The blog title, Broken Plateau, is full of meaning and started out as a place of pain and discomfort.

When  I began the blog in June 2010, I was on a journey. My life as I knew it had come to an end. The person who I thought I was disappeared and I was forced to stare the core of who I am in the face. I was forced with two options, create a new ME or sit back in all of my discomfort to wait and see who was really inside under the collection of creations. Of course option one would have been the easiest, and I honestly contemplated this option. My reason for not going this route simply was, I didn't know who I wanted to become. I didn't have an idol, a mentor, or a favorite cartoon character...there was no one who I wanted to become. Well that sucked, here I was a blank slate. I wasn't anything who I had been before and when presented with opportunity to recreate myself I had no idea who I wanted to be. That was the best thing that I could have never asked for.

I lived in a tent on a yoga farm, I fell in love with a sailor, I moved across the pacific ocean to an island, I spent six glorious months being my own boss. I had finally reached the core of Me. And then I did it. I decided that I was going to back to work, full time as a corporate recruiter, once again. And guess what happened? I found ME again. That person who I thought I lost, well she was back, full force. Except, now for the first time in 30 years I discovered that I did not like her. Since ejecting her from my life, I no longer wanted her back. I caught myself falling into patterns that were so comfortably familiar yet so depressingly uncomfortable. How had I lived the past 10+ years this way? No wonder I was so insatiable.

So I decided to make a change. I concluded that the root of my internal dishonesty was my career. I quit my job, I think 3 times...yet somehow never left the office chair. Instead, I convinced myself that things would get better and I could create the happiness that I was seeking. All the while, holding on to that feeling of core peace, core Me. Core Me, never returned because the corporate ME pee'd in her cheerios every morning. 11 long months later I gave my final, no turning back, resignation. Except this time I bought a plane ticket the night before to ensure my follow through.

18 months later, I am back in Colorado. In the exact same apartment complex I was in before I left. But the Me who is here, is not the same me who left. I feel different. I think different. I breathe different. The true Me is here and I am oh so proud to say that. Call me crazy, call me what you want, but I understand the difference between who I really am and the person who I created. I owe this giant discovery to a giant break in my plateau. Joe, you at 12 years old, made a decision that I, at 29, could have never made for myself. You understood that there was a different way to live life, a more fulfilling, gratifying way. You had enough courage to walk away from all that glitters to see for yourself it really was gold.

Namaste Joe.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Namaste
The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. "Nama" means bow, "as" means I, and "te" means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."